August 24, 2014

A hiatus update; balancing in life's eagle pose

I know it's been an awfully quiet year this year with the blogging. I definitely owe this blog an apology, but also an update as to why I've been absent.

The analogy to what I will describe here came to me as an epiphany during yoga, as I was balancing in eagle's pose despite the heat, the internal battles, and the numbing pressure from the bikram instruction. Instead of fighting against it, I decided to let it be and allow my breath to take me deeper into the pose. If you have done a class of bikram, or yoga for that matter, finding balance is incredibly tough. The first half a minute into a balancing pose seems manageable, however, as you edge yourself lower or hold on to the pose for longer, it becomes awfully difficult to achieve the balance 'comfortably'. 

I don't know why it took me this long to figure out that finding balance in life is awfully tough. 

I admire mothers who are able to manage all the busy demands from work, the baby, and partner. It's a personal sacrifice more than none, to decide on what are the things that have to go... The easy ones to let go are obviously the little things that made you who you are and the 'me' time. 

Everyone wants to be happy. Although, to each person, happiness can be defined in so many ways. For me, I dream of a man who will love and support me, a fulfilling career, down-to-earth and sincere friends, a family who understands me rather than what cultural norms dictate me to be, and hopefully to build a family life. I fought hard to bring myself to a competency level that allows me to work internationally - be it an MBA, taking language classes 3 days a week, and pushing my limits at work that made me relentless in pursuit of a flexible international career. I fought even harder to be with a person I spent a good 3 years with and still dearly love, sometimes at the expense of clashing with my family strict values and putting my life on hold. I stopped going out for the most part, preferring to meet with friends who were attached or staying home on Friday nights. I was sure as well he was doing the same in Vienna, because trust were the only strings that were holding us together.

I reached a critical point after 1.5 years that I couldn't hold my balance together anymore. I was unhappy and not living my life 'now'. I struggled to find the time to keep up with my language homework, to keep up with the constant deadlines at work, to keep my household together, to find time to go to the gym/yoga, to have a healthy appetite, and to keep the passion alive between me and my ex during a long-distance relationship of midnight Skype calls. The balancing act was torturous and draining, and I found myself slowly giving up.

When times do get tough, the human will finds ways to break loose from the constraints. For example, I started to subconsciously find ways to achieve the sense of stability. I adopted a kitten, a very cute little Scottish Straight at that, believing that I was preparing myself to abandon the idea of relocating away from Singapore. I allowed myself to be 'less perfect', and lowered my standards for myself at work and personally. And finally, more recently, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I'm still crushed and sad thinking about him; for many reasons - but mainly we were so truly happy together and looked forward to tying the knot. 

The transition is still tough, but slowly relieving for me. I am learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself to open myself up to someone new in my life, forging a closer embrace to my family's cultural values, and accepting a career that is a notch lower to what I've dreamt it to be. 

I stopped blogging because I found no happiness in beauty as I used to. While I still like to feel beautiful in my own skin, I don't get easily excited about new releases. Perhaps one day I may just close this blog and call it a day, but I'm not prepared to. This blog holds so many memories of me - from the times in Denmark and the different phases of my life. Behind the selfies and the plethora of beauty stuff, I can still go back and read behind the lines of each story to what I was feeling and doing that day. So it's not the end to this blog, and I want to continue to write as I used to, but with a lesser frequency while I find a new balance in my life. 

In the meantime, you could always check out my little kitty's Facebook here:

Thanks always for supporting me and this blog. 
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