August 24, 2014

A hiatus update; balancing in life's eagle pose

I know it's been an awfully quiet year this year with the blogging. I definitely owe this blog an apology, but also an update as to why I've been absent.

The analogy to what I will describe here came to me as an epiphany during yoga, as I was balancing in eagle's pose despite the heat, the internal battles, and the numbing pressure from the bikram instruction. Instead of fighting against it, I decided to let it be and allow my breath to take me deeper into the pose. If you have done a class of bikram, or yoga for that matter, finding balance is incredibly tough. The first half a minute into a balancing pose seems manageable, however, as you edge yourself lower or hold on to the pose for longer, it becomes awfully difficult to achieve the balance 'comfortably'. 

I don't know why it took me this long to figure out that finding balance in life is awfully tough. 

I admire mothers who are able to manage all the busy demands from work, the baby, and partner. It's a personal sacrifice more than none, to decide on what are the things that have to go... The easy ones to let go are obviously the little things that made you who you are and the 'me' time. 

Everyone wants to be happy. Although, to each person, happiness can be defined in so many ways. For me, I dream of a man who will love and support me, a fulfilling career, down-to-earth and sincere friends, a family who understands me rather than what cultural norms dictate me to be, and hopefully to build a family life. I fought hard to bring myself to a competency level that allows me to work internationally - be it an MBA, taking language classes 3 days a week, and pushing my limits at work that made me relentless in pursuit of a flexible international career. I fought even harder to be with a person I spent a good 3 years with and still dearly love, sometimes at the expense of clashing with my family strict values and putting my life on hold. I stopped going out for the most part, preferring to meet with friends who were attached or staying home on Friday nights. I was sure as well he was doing the same in Vienna, because trust were the only strings that were holding us together.

I reached a critical point after 1.5 years that I couldn't hold my balance together anymore. I was unhappy and not living my life 'now'. I struggled to find the time to keep up with my language homework, to keep up with the constant deadlines at work, to keep my household together, to find time to go to the gym/yoga, to have a healthy appetite, and to keep the passion alive between me and my ex during a long-distance relationship of midnight Skype calls. The balancing act was torturous and draining, and I found myself slowly giving up.

When times do get tough, the human will finds ways to break loose from the constraints. For example, I started to subconsciously find ways to achieve the sense of stability. I adopted a kitten, a very cute little Scottish Straight at that, believing that I was preparing myself to abandon the idea of relocating away from Singapore. I allowed myself to be 'less perfect', and lowered my standards for myself at work and personally. And finally, more recently, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I'm still crushed and sad thinking about him; for many reasons - but mainly we were so truly happy together and looked forward to tying the knot. 

The transition is still tough, but slowly relieving for me. I am learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself to open myself up to someone new in my life, forging a closer embrace to my family's cultural values, and accepting a career that is a notch lower to what I've dreamt it to be. 

I stopped blogging because I found no happiness in beauty as I used to. While I still like to feel beautiful in my own skin, I don't get easily excited about new releases. Perhaps one day I may just close this blog and call it a day, but I'm not prepared to. This blog holds so many memories of me - from the times in Denmark and the different phases of my life. Behind the selfies and the plethora of beauty stuff, I can still go back and read behind the lines of each story to what I was feeling and doing that day. So it's not the end to this blog, and I want to continue to write as I used to, but with a lesser frequency while I find a new balance in my life. 

In the meantime, you could always check out my little kitty's Facebook here:

Thanks always for supporting me and this blog. 


Sharlynn Ng said...

Dear Tracy you have really shared more than beyond what you're entitled to share and I really appreciate it. I've grown up overseas and all my friends are everywhere in the world. My boyfriend and I are both asian but he's not singaporean. Our dream is to be overseas studying and working and at the moment I'm waiting for many things to fall through so that we can go together and live our lives together. I sort of understand that part of the struggle you have had although I believe our experiences are very different. I've never had issues with cultural differences as I grew up with kids from everywhere and my family isn't shocked or offended by differences.

My point is, I get how your life changes have made you take the break and I'm glad to hear that you're doing better now. It's hard to let go of things you've worked so hard on and I'm working my best to keep my vision on track. I can't wait till you're back blogging!

Maria said...

hello Tracy!
i missed a lot your posts as usual... and i'm a bit sad to read this one. I always admired your way of life (even if we don't know each other in person, but one can usually guess what kind of life another person has, you also informed us (your readers) here and there about some personal facts. So i'm sure that you will find your way to the balance and will be very happy because you deserve it.
I'm sorry for your relationship... you know, i will tell you 1 thing, you may believe me or not - but all what has happened is just the sign that you still haven't find that RIGHT one for you. Even if he is a perfect person etc. I had several long distance relations in my life and all of them had the same sad ending...
i was almost sure that there can't be a happy end for such stories. But then i met a man, we spent more than 4 years in a lond-distanse relations and ....several months ago i married that man, left my country and came to live with him. So he was the right one and everything what seemed to be so difficult before doesn't seem so anymore.

Sorry for a long post, but i just want to you to be happy, to cheer you up. You do everything right. Your job ambitions and all the things you made for it - these are all serious and important things. The balance is also important. But i'm sure you will find your way for it.

Keep us informed here from time to time. Im sure i'm not the only one who cares about you here, at your blogosphere :)

Kar Yi L. said...

Hi Tracy! I've been a reader for quite a while but don't comment as much as I should. It's nice to see that you care about your blog and us readers enough to write this post. I wish you luck with finding balance and finding happiness in your personal and work life. I've been struggling with the same thing recently and also wrote a post about the meaning of personal happiness a few weeks ago. Even if you don't have the time or motivation to blog often, I would definitely love to see a post from time to time :) Not sure if you're on Twitter but it'd be nice to chat as beauty blogging friends! I'm @KarYi12 and always happy to talk skincare, makeup or about traveling!

Also, Olympia is soooooo adorable! I'm a huge fan of cats and would totally be up for some Olympia content on your blog!

Jennifer said...

Hi Tracy, I totally hear you on that. While we are going through different things, I've come to realize that my passion for the blog has waned. I still like playing with pretty things but I just don't get excited at it now (but moved on to other "interests". I'll still do posts once in a while, but I've found new priorities and goals in life that are more worthy of attention, like you said - something's gotta give. Somehow I"m glad I didn't blog for business but for interest - it allows me the time and freedom to pause and breathe as I want.

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